


hiraeth

by madeofstarlights



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Chimera Ant Arc Spoilers, Killua Zoldyck has nightmares, Killua and Alluka being wholesome siblings, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Soulmates, nagareboshi kirari references, no seriously i wanna call this a soulmate au but that seems cruel ngl, or LACK THEREOF haha... ha, pls i cried so much to this song during writing this can some of u share my pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:20:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28862427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madeofstarlights/pseuds/madeofstarlights
Summary: hiraeth | /‘hir,āeth/(n) an earnest longing or nostalgia for a home that no longer exists.Killua might not have a friend in his current waking life, but somewhere in a space lost in time, he had someone. A soul he was lucky enough to hold. Of all the breaches between worlds stacked on millions of others that might exist in the vast infinity, among myriads of stars and galaxies, one universe has them right. One universe was kind enough to let them find each other.But it’s not this one.It might not be this one.… Killua can live with that.
Relationships: Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 21
Kudos: 42





	hiraeth

**Author's Note:**

> and i say, “sorry for writing this,” you know, like a liar.
> 
> enjoy!!
> 
> also~~ a big thank you to my wonderful friend Flower (@Lonely_floweer on twitter!) for beta reading this!!

**

Killua had never seen such a beautiful night before.

It seemed as though the world, for once, was in perfect balance. A harmonious kaleidoscope that concluded the adventures he had during the daylight. The rolling waves that crashed into the shore in the distance and the ghost of warmth from a bonfire mixed with salt air was enough to lull even the most restless vagabonds into a state of tranquillity they usually were so devoid of.

The jewels of the night were the stars of the Summer Triangle that came out to play – three of his favourites, Altair, Deneb, and Vega. Their constellation shined so brightly that he could make out the Eagle, the Swan, and the Lyre that came to life if he tried hard enough.

There once was a story of a pair of star-crossed lovers that he knew, the one about a weaver and cowherd that fell in love so deeply but fated to never being able to reunite unless the sky was absolutely clear, dooming them to spend most of their time to pine and yearn for the other to return. Although Killua thought the story was sad, he found it hopeful for the most part too – it seemed like the lovers never gave up on their love, no matter how far distance and time kept them apart. He could imagine the lovers whispering to each other, _we can’t be together just yet, but that day will come, soon._

He never once bothered to be a romantic. But he thought the sentiment was nice.

The story didn’t matter though. Not when he had his _own_ story to write, with –

“Let’s stick together!” his best friend exclaimed. “We can travel and see the world together.”

Killua could almost feel the heat rising up to his cheeks. “Don’t you ever feel embarrassed saying stuff like that?” he mumbled.

But Killua liked it. Killua liked the idea more than anything. Never once in his life would he even dared to dream about being on an island, side by side with his best friend and looking up at the sky, while dreaming about the future that used to feel like something that was never truly his to hold. For the first time, that night, he dared to dream of the things to come and allowed himself to arrange plans that are his own.

He’s never felt so happy.

Killua faced the other boy and found him already smiling at him. He couldn’t help but smile back.

Altair and Vega became one with the fireflies that weaved their way to the summer air. The millions of shimmering stars dotting the midnight sky would make the perfect venue for the two star-crossed lovers to reunite underneath the glowing moon that hung low on the horizon. But once he saw his best friend’s face, smiling at him with the glint of crackling fire dancing inside of those amber eyes…

It was all he could see.

Killua never wanted to look at anything else ever again.

**

There were tears in his eyes when Killua jolts awake.

 _That was unusual,_ he thinks to himself. He would smile if he doesn’t feel so sad.

Groaning, he forces himself to sit upright, wipes the tears off his cheeks and takes a sip of water from the glass that’s sitting on his bedside table, trying to get rid of the lump lodging his throat. It didn’t work.

Even in the crack of dawn, Yorkshin City is already very much alive. Killua can hear the distant shouting of people trying to get their way through the street, bodies bumping into each other clumsily but nonchalantly, and the sound of car honks and the screech of tires overflowing the road. If he tries, he can probably smell the morning coffee and freshly baked croissant from the bakery right downstairs. He used to feel annoyed by all the bursting activities when he first moved in, but at times like these, Killua finds a sense of comfort from the bustling city.

It made him feel less alone.

Killua never knew what it feels like to have a good night’s sleep. Ever since he can remember, his nights have been plagued with visions of gory and violent nightmares that look a little too realistic. The usuals would be dreams of death, murder, his own demise and downfall, torture, him being locked up in some dungeon. Though sometimes, whoever controls his nightmares would get a bit more creative and shows him things like man-eating hybrid furries in a speedo that chases him around the forest.

The events that happen in his dream vary, but they all have one similarity: Killua could never forget any of them. Ever.

Which seems cruel. Sometimes, in the middle of the day, he’d have to pause everything he’s doing right now because he gets a random piece of a flashback of some dream he had a few years ago, that he just randomly recalls. But it’s alright – he’s learned to be alright with that. Sure, it used to scare the shit outta him when he was little, but he’s trying to just think of it as his own twisted homemade horror films. Besides, his younger sister Alluka loves horror stories. So at least it gives him some materials for the contents of stories to tell her.

But no matter how many variations he got to his nightmares, never once has he dreamed of… peace. Tranquillity. Happiness. His dreams were usually filled with trenches and dungeons and pits of the abyss and running away from something or someone or getting caught and tortured or getting blood on his hands or being devoured or burned or… literally anything else but serenity. It was never beaches and cliff sides. Never the stars. Never talking calmly as if they had all the time in the world about the foreseeable future with… with… 

With someone.

There was someone else in his dream. Someone who means no harm. A friend, he’d say, though how and why his dream self was delusional enough to dream of a friend, Killua doesn’t know.

Who was it? Why can’t he remember the name?

 _Cause it wasn’t real_ , he reminds himself. _Snap out of it. You should be relieved that it was just this nonsense and none of those pins and needles sticking outta my fucking forehead kinda bullshit._

_So stop crying. Stop crying before –_

_Oh_ –

A sinking realization hits him all at once – Killua is all alone.

He’s no longer in that stuffy mansion where he has to muffle his mouth with his fist to stop the crying before his brother finds him. He can cry. He can cry, and he can scream, and he can shout, and he can curse at the wall, at the sky, at himself, at _everything_ , as loud as he wants, as much as he wants, and no one will stop him because he’s –

Alone.

He’s alone.

That part has been true for a while. For as long as he lives, in fact.

 _Don’t_ , he warns himself, chugging the remaining water from his glass, not caring that it dribbles down his chin. _Don’t you fucking dare pity yourself. It’s just how it is. It’s what you want, anyway. It’s all you know_.

But not really.

For a brief moment, Killua remembers having… someone. Someone to sit beside him. A hand to hold. A soul to carry.

There was another person living in his heart beside his sister.

Who was it?

Then he recalls the beach. The cliffside. Altair and Vega.

And scoffs. _Don’t mix nightmares with reality, idiot._

 _But those weren’t nightmares,_ another (stupider) part of him complains. _Those weren’t scary at all. It even comforted you for a while, didn’t it?_

Killua sighs and wipes the water of his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt. He glances at his phone.

7:35 a.m.

Just in time for class.

Tying his hair into a low ponytail, Killua stands up and scours his messy floor that’s covered with scattered notebooks and papers for his astronomy book. And there it was, sitting beside his bed’s leg, its covers shut, showing an illustration of stars in the sky.

Stars.

Beach. Cliffside. Altair and Vega. A friend.

 _Shut the fuck up_ , he scolds himself as he stuffs a piece of garlic bread he prepared last night into his mouth and run for the door.

_It was just another stupid dream._

**

Playing a game of deadly dodgeball against a band of pirates inside some video game that could kill him in real life felt pretty normal to Killua.

What’s weird was how determined he felt during all of these stupid games. The thought of quitting never crossed his mind, not even once. Even when he got blasted off to the roof and his hands were obliterated, he didn’t stop. He didn’t want to. The ghost of sticky blood mixed with broken bones and a burning sensation that should’ve felt excruciatingly painful was still there, in the palm of his hand. But this pain was different. Significantly different.

He was not being tortured. He was not being punished. He was not fighting _against_ the pain, he was fighting _with_ it.

He was not hurting.

“Then show me your hands,” a stupid looking buff guy demanded.

 _Oh, fuck off._ “I’m alright,” Killua insisted.

“Like hell you are,” he heard a woman grumble behind him and felt his arm being forcibly pulled away, out from his pocket and into the open.

“Look!” the old man gasped. “You can’t feel anything but pain.”

“I can do this!” Killua shouted. _Old people are so dramatic_ , he resisted the urge to roll his eyes and turned to his friend standing beside him instead. “I can take one more ball.”

The man shook his head. When he spoke, his attention was no longer directed to Killua. “It’s impossible. Help me convince him.”

“I need Killua to hold the ball.” his friend stated almost immediately, without missing a beat. “He’s the only who can do it!”

Killua had to suppress a smile.

His friend needed him to hold the ball. Plain and simple.

He could hear everyone else perplexed in confusion, chattering for reasons of why they didn’t think it would be a great idea. But Killua wasn't listening anymore.

His friend chose him.

Nothing else mattered.

**

Wiping the spilled syrup on the counter, Killua glances at the clock and sighs.

8:13 p.m. His shift should’ve ended by now, with the mall being closed early due to the memorial service for some massacre that happened many years ago. The city was always busy, but the last two days has been a pain in the ass with all the people and tourists coming from all over the world for the annual auction that’s been a Yorkshin City tradition since… well, since basically forever.

The auction barely affected him. It’s not like he’ll go – unlike his parents, he neither has the money or interest in buying some hundreds of years old junks. But he wishes he’d have picked another coffee place to work at, one that’s not in the center of the city, right in front of the auction venue. 

Well, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that he gets to go home early and –

– and the bell chimes. Did Ritz forget to put up the _closed_ sign? Killua suppresses a groan in annoyance and switches on his customer service voice instead, “We’re very sorry, but we’re closed due to the memorial service held in the Cemetery Building right outside, please –”

His breath hitches when he sees a black-haired girl standing in front of the door with a big smile plastered on her face. “ _Alluka_?”

“Killua!”

He doesn’t even notice the stares from his coworker as he rushes to her sister, hoisting her sister up and twirling her around. The sound of Alluka’s laugh in his ears is exactly what he needed to hear.

“Are you done working?” Alluka asks when her feet touch the ground again.

“Yeah! Wait here,” Killua answers, returning back to his station and making a simple vanilla bean frappuccino for his sister. He sees Ritz calling his attention to the store key that he sets down on the table and heads out. Killua nods curtly.

Guess he’ll be on clean up duty for tonight.

Doesn’t matter. He’ll be on clean up duty every day if that means he can also see Alluka every day.

“For you,” Killua says, sitting down in front of his sister. “My treat!”

Alluka’s eyes lit up as she took a sip from her cup. “Aah, delicious – thank you!”

“Why are you here, Alluka?”

“Mom and dad wanted to attend the auction, you know, as they do. But the thing is, now they drag _me_ into this!” Alluka rolls her eyes. “It was boring so I ran away.”

Killua laughs, remembering the times when he was younger where his parents would drag him to various auctions and rare gems sourcings, trying to get him interested in all of that crap. Now that they see it clearly didn’t work on him, he guesses that responsibility falls to his sister now.

“How are you, Killua?” Alluka asks.

“I’m… good.” Killua replies. It wasn’t a totally honest answer, but eh. He’s not exactly lying either, at least. “Work’s just work, nothing exciting here. Study’s good. I’ve been a lot busier tho, since I’m trying to graduate next year.”

“That’s amazing!”

“Yeah,” he smiles. “What about? Have you thought about what you wanted to do after high school? It’s your last year, right?”

Alluka nods enthusiastically, the beads in her hair bouncing up and down. “I have! But don’t be mad…”

“What? What are you up to?”

“I’m thinking about finding a job before enrolling in a university… I wanna save up.”

“What? Why?”

“I wanted to move here, to the city. With you!”

“Alluka!” Killua beams. “Really?”

“Yeah!”

“You can do that right now, though, no need to work. You can enroll next semester. I make enough money here or I’ll take more part-time jobs and I’m pretty sure my apartment can fit both of us, if you don’t mind a little cramping.”

“No,” Alluka shakes her head. “I wanna earn my own money… Like you did, when you moved out! I don’t wanna burden you.”

As if he could feel burdened by his sister. Killua chuckles. “You would never, Alluka, but… okay. I suppose that’d be good timing too, hopefully I graduate in time and get a more stable job when you move in.”

“Right! So all will work out fine – I just have to be good and hold out for a year or so while saving up.”

Killua’s chest swells with pride. “I’ll be rooting for you.”

“Me too!” Alluka grins. When she looks at Killua again, though, her eyes are filled with worry. “How are your nightmares, by the way? Are they getting better?”

When Killua first moved away, he promised Alluka that his nightmares would definitely get better, of course, how could it not, when he’s separating himself from the main source of his distress? He promised her to at least seek professional help if it’s still as bad as it were – or if it ever gets worse.

It has been 2 years since Killua made those promises. And neither of them has come true. His sleep is still full of nightmares.

Although… 

He didn’t wake up crying that morning. Neither was he drenched in a cold sweat.

“ _I need Killua to hold the ball! It has to be Killua!_ ”

A chuckle slips out. Killua feels like a schoolboy gushing over a crush who picked him first to be on his tag team during exercise lesson.

Alluka tilts her head, curious.

“They’re still here,” Killua confesses. “But they’re getting better.”

“Will you tell me about it?”

Killua smiles and begins to tell his sister about the death dodgeball game, and how insane it is that he and his team were up against some boulder-sized pirate with a killer serve who just won’t quit. The game they went in was eerily similar to the lost relics of a legendary video game that were really popular once, though he’s forgotten what it’s called, he remembers his university professor talking about it once, so that must’ve been where his dream conscience gets the idea from.

He tells Alluka about the amber eyes, burning with an intense determination that he’s never seen before, not even in the movies. He tells her about how they were comrades, and they weren’t running from something this time, they actually _fought_ it, head-on, even when their hands were weary and their faces were scorched from the heat of some life force exploded right in front of their faces. It feels different to fight for something for once, to retrieve something and not just for survival, he tells Alluka. It’s different, in all the best ways.

Alluka returns to their parents eventually, worrying that they might be looking for her, which could potentially make them and Killua meet.

When Killua gets back to his empty, lonely apartment that night, he notices that his heart feels a little lighter.

It’s nice to have his sister for a while.

**

The ground blurred into thin lines as Killua raced through the forest in a flurry of electricity.

 _Hurry, hurry_ , he could almost hear himself pleading. _Hurry, hurry. Before it’s too late._

The malicious aura that grew thicker with every step that he took indicates that he’s close. Closer to whatever – _whoever_ – caused that massive golden explosion he’s seen before from above.

He had prepared himself for the worst, strengthening his iron resolve to be strong enough to see whatever’s happening. Whatever comes, he’ll be ready to take on. Whatever it takes to found his best friend. To save him.

But no amount of preparation could ever prepare himself for the sight before his eyes.

Broken tree stumps.

Broken mangled body.

Bloody fist.

Bloody fist, that belonged to… Someone.

A person.

He knew that person.

The silhouette looked nothing like anyone he knew, but he recognized that soul beneath it. Behind that enormous body enveloped by a tremendous amount of dark energy and stained with sticky blood that runs blue was –

– his friend.

Behind him, the mangled decapitated body had resurrected itself, turning into a puppet of death as it lurched forward, its claws pointed forward –

And Killua leapt. Instinct took him, but still, it wasn’t enough. He could almost feel the warm blood of his friend on his hand, and the horrible sound of flesh shredding away from its body, the arm getting ripped brutally by the creature’s razor-sharp claws.

In a fraction of seconds, Killua could hear his friend whispering, 

“It’s okay. It doesn’t hurt.”

The puppet rushed forward again, ready to annihilate, but his friend was quicker and stronger, punching it towards the sky, and planting his severed arm right to its chest.

“Rock,” the silhouette spoke, voice soft and quiet. The voice didn’t belong together with the transformed body it possessed. 

Killua felt the air crackling with energy, gathered on the stump of what used to be his friend’s arm, and –

The terrible realization dawned upon him.

The silhouette spoke again, “Paper,” as the aura got bigger and brighter, scorching everything else around it.

Killua could only watch in horror as the golden explosion engulfed his vision.

An empty shell of amber eyes streaked with tears were the last thing he saw before the blinding light took him.

**

Killua’s eyes shot open.

He can still feel the lingering sinister aura in the air, following him all the way to reality.

 _It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real_ –

His throat feels hoarse and his body is drenched in a cold sweat. He wanted to reach out and turn on his night light, but every limb of his body feels so heavy that he can’t move a muscle.

 _It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real_ –

He was so scared, but not for himself. He can’t shake the feeling of that overwhelming powerful burst of light overtaking that silhouette – what terrible power. He shudders to think of the kind of price a power like that would take.

 _It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real_ –

Amber eyes.

He cannot forget the look in those empty, cold amber eyes that find his horrified icy blue ones in the midst of blinding orange light, right before the world gets set on fire. He knew those eyes. Who did it belong to?

 _It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real_ –

He was screaming. He was screaming for something. For someone. His lungs were burning, filled with ash and smouldering devastation, but still, he screamed.

A name comes to his mind, but it leaves as soon as it arrives. 

What was it? Who was it? Why can’t he remember?

_Because –_

_It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real_ –

He lost something. That explosion took something away, something that was his, something that he once held close, something he failed to protect. He lost something, but he couldn’t figure out what. But he lost –

_– it’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real –_

– something. Something that mattered. Something valuable. Or –

_– it’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real –_

– perhaps it was _someone_. He was reaching out to someone but they were too far gone. Why –

_– it’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real –_

– did he let them slip through his fingers? If he had arrived earlier, if he only steps further, if he held out a little bit longer, if he loved them a little bit better, if he was braver, would they be saved? Would –

_– it’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real –_

– would they be forgiven? Would they still need to atone for their sins? Would there be no price to pay?

_– it’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real –_

Would he remember them? Their name? Their face?

 _No_ , Killua answers, silencing the noises in his mind as he tries to control his breathing. _No, you wouldn’t. They wouldn’t. It’s not real._

_It was just a dream._

_It was just a fucking dream._

The rest of the day passes by in a haze. It wasn’t until a notification popped up from his phone that Killua was taken back to reality.

_Alluka’s Birthday: tomorrow!_

Summoning what’s left of his strength to change himself into a new set of clothes, Killua grabs his apartment key and leaves, accidentally slamming the door that got him a nasty look from his next-door neighbour that happens to be passing by.

 _You can do this_ , he thinks to himself. _Just one trip. One tiny trip for Alluka. Then you can go snuggle up in your bed again all you want_.

The weather is surprisingly sunny when he steps out of his apartment building. Killua takes in the smell of freshly baked bread steaming from the front bakery and the faint scent of flowers being spread on the street, ignoring the call of the baker lady who invites him to taste their new pudding variant. The street looks less crowded than the days before, much to his relief. Probably it’s because the whole auction event is being put on hold for the day after the memorial service last night.

 _This is alright_ , Killua thinks.

He’s wondering what gift he should offer Alluka as her birthday present with the limited amount of budget he got, when he spots a _clearance sale_ banner in front of a small garden center with a moving truck parked on its side.

The store is half empty, but Killua manages to find the perfect flower he thinks Alluka would love – a potted purple and pink orchid, not yet in bloom, which is perfect since he wanted Alluka to be the one who witnessed the blooming.

He’s greeted with a smile when he gets to the cashier. “Will this be all?”

“Yes,” Killua nods.

The cashier hums, carefully wrapping the potted plant into a brown paper and putting it inside a transparent container. Killua notices that there’s another plant inside of the container that he didn’t recognize, and definitely didn’t buy.

“Um… the gold one’s not mine.”

“Oh!” the cashier smiles. “Yes it is! I’m giving it as a little bonus.”

“Huh?”

“You seem… sad? I thought a plant friend for yourself would be nice?”

Killua furrows his eyebrows. “How do you know the orchids aren’t for me?”

The cashier points to Killua’s phone that’s sitting on the counter. The words ‘ _best flower for sister_ ’ on his search engine displayed on the bright scene. _Oh_.

“Plus, it’s our last day here. We’re moving away this aftern– uh, right now, actually. That’s why we’re having a clearance sale…” the cashier ties a piece of purple ribbon to the container. “I thought no one else was gonna come in and I almost packed everything up for the truck. But, here you are!”

“I see,” Killua mumbles.

“Please take care of it!” the cashier chirps. “It’s called _apricus_. One of my favourites, actually – a native to the island where I grew up from. It’s sunny there, so please give it lots of light. It’ll bloom like crazy.”

“I’ll remember that,” Killua nods and puts his money on the table. “Uh… thank you.”

“No problem! Here you –”

“Gon!” a woman’s voice calls from the backside of the garden and the cashier’s head whips towards the sound. “Will you fetch all the soils left in the shed, please?”

Killua glances at the cashier’s nametag on his apron. _Hello, I’m_ – and a big messy handwriting, _GON!_ There are hand-drawn leaves and flowers decorating the sides of the name.

A smile tugs at Killua’s lips.

“Coming!” Gon shouts. He flips Killua’s palm open, stuffs the change and pushes the packed potted plants forward. “Here you go! Thank you for being our last customer.”

Offering one last smile to Killua, Gon leaves to the back. Just a moment later, Killua hears the thud of something big – the soils, probably – hitting the floor, and Gon emerges from what looks like a tiny shed lifting up six bags of _Fertile-Gro: Peat Free! For better results_.

Killua knows it’s rude to stare, especially at strangers. He usually never cares about other people’s businesses anyway, and hell, he’d willingly fight anyone who dares to stare at him for longer than three seconds. And maybe it’s the shock from the random act of kindness after spending the day being a shell of a person, ghosting through his apartment, trying to get his mind to quiet themselves. Maybe it’s the smell of flowers and succulents intoxicating him into lingering in the middle of the shop longer than he intends to. Or maybe it’s the light hitting all the right places making the almost empty garden center look somewhat dream-like and warm and _alive_ , and Killua hasn’t seen anything so beautiful in a while.

But seeing the boy – _Gon,_ he notes the name – underneath the afternoon glow with plants in his hands, moving back and forth from the store to the truck where a taller woman sits, chatting and laughing carefreely from across the room, Killua thought,

 _Pretty_.

He could feel a smile coming and he had to stop his hand from dropping the plants and slapping himself.

_Idiot. Since when did you fall in love with strangers?_

With the sound of the truck starting its engine, Killua turns his heels and leaves without looking back.

His apartment is flooded with light that reaches every corner of his apartment when he gets back. He puts away Alluka’s birthday flower carefully on his shelf and sets the tiny golden plant he got on his coffee table.

Apricus, he recalls the name. He wonders how such a small flower could radiate so much light and produce such a sweet smell.

Killua can’t help the smile forming on his lips as he reaches for a bottle and waters the plant. He caresses the flower gently, chuckling as it’s delicate aromatic scent tickles his nose. The flower cast a gentle shadow to the side of the room, and with its golden petal shimmering in the light, he gets a sharp reminder of –

A pair of eyes.

Amber ones.

Killua has never been one to remember strangers. Most of the time, their existence fades to nothing as soon as their random encounter is over.

But that boy from the garden. Something about his eyes haunts him.

He can’t put a finger on why they look so familiar.

**

There were discarded bags of chips littering the bed. 

“Hey, Killua,” Killua heard his friend speak, his eyes trained on the bird perched on the tree in front of their room, his mouth full of snacks. “What do you wanna be in your next life?

“I don’t know,” he shrugs. “You?”

“In my next life, I wanna be me and meet you again.”

“Oi, cut it out,” Killua grumbled. “That’s embarrassing.”

“What? It’s true – that’s what I want! Imagine how fun it’d be if we die then one day gets reborn as non-me and non-Killua but somehow we’re still friends with each other!” the black-haired boy chattered. “We don’t even need to remember each other. We’ll just be friends, like we are right now. Do you think that’s possible?”

“I don’t know,” Killua mumbled. “I’m not that lucky.”

“You don’t need to be lucky!”

“Huh?”

“I’ll find you.”

Killua’s face turned into a deep shade of red right then. “That’s –”

“I don’t _care_ if it’s embarrassing,” his friend rolled his eyes. “You probably won’t even remember me in your next life. I’ll still come and find you anyway!”

“I– I wasn’t going to say _embarrassing_ , stupid. Don’t assume things.” Killua lied. “And why would I forget you?”

“What were you going to say, then?”

“Nothing.”

“Spit it out!”

“Nothing! Just drop it.”

The two boys went silent for a little while, taking in the still night air and enjoying each other’s calm presence. It was rare for them to have quiet nights like these where they could allow themselves to just sit around and talk without having to worry about training or running for their lives… If they could ignore the impending threats of doom looming over their heads for a moment.

Borrowed time.

That was all Killua felt they had. He wondered how long the peacefulness would last. He wondered when would be the next time something fucked up happened and they’d be thrown into the middle of the mess.

“I meant it,” his friend spoke quietly, a small smile playing on his lips.

“What?” Killua inquired.

“I’ll find you,” the amber eyes, big and hopeful, pierce itself through Killua’s soul. He couldn’t look away if he tried. “That’s a prom–”

**

The sound of his ringtone in his ears jerks Killua awake.

Panic rises up in his throat when he sees the caller ID flashes _Alluka_.

“Alluka,” Killua says, alerted. “What’s going on? It’s like, 2 a.m.”

“Look out the window!” Alluka’s excited voice chatters through the phone.

“What?”

“I heard that there’s gonna be a shooting star tonight, and it can be seen from the city!”

Killua smiles, a sense of relief washing over him, glad that his worst assumptions didn’t come true. He drags his feet to sit in front of his window, and it’s true – there are stars in the sky. But still no falling ones. “Are you watching too?” he asks.

“No, I just saw a news article and thought you might like it,” Alluka yawns. “Too tired. ‘m going to sleep.”

“Ah,” Killua nods. “Thank you, Alluka.”

“Sure! Take a picture of it for me if you can. I’m gonna go to bed now, goodni –”

“Alluka, wait.”

“What is it?”

“Happy birthday,” Killua says. “I’ll treat you to lunch tomorrow. Er, I mean, today. But when the sun’s up.”

Alluka giggles. “You better! Goodnight, now.”

“Goodnight.”

The call ends with a click. Killua sighs, pushing his phone away, as far as he can from him, and hugs his knees to his chest. His eyes watch the street below, where a pair of couples holding hands and laughing, a blonde woman holding a bouquet of flowers on one hand and her wife’s hand on the other. They look happy.

There are stars in the sky, twinkling like millions of fireflies, though he can’t quite see any constellations. It’s weird to see the stars shining in the city, shining as bright as the ones in –

The beach. The cliffside.

Altair and Vega.

“ _Let’s stick together!_ ”

Killua whips his head to his side so quickly that he can feel his neck crack. He almost expects a pair of amber eyes staring at him, but –

There’s only a vacant spot next to him.

No one’s there.

 _It was just a dream_ , he reminds himself, trying to swallow the tinge of disappointment growing inside of him. _It’s not real._

But when he sees the first sight of a shooting star that night, he can feel warm tears falling on his cheek.

He had a friend.

Not in real life, not in _this_ life, perhaps, but he had a friend.

He never knew what to make of his dreams. He never even tries to find out what they all mean before, thinking that it’s too much of a work, even though sometimes he does feel a bit curious about its nature. Perhaps it’s just random images trying to make him feel something, some rush, that he never realized he yearns for. Perhaps it’s glimpses of an alternate universe where he got the one thing he so wished for, in which case, Killua cursed to his alternate self, _you one lucky motherfucker._ Perhaps it’s visions of some life he’s lived that he’s long forgotten. Or perhaps all those theories he made up in the middle of the night whenever he got too scared to fall back asleep are wrong and he’s just an unlucky schmuck who’s delusional enough to dream of all these stupid things, and this whole recurring dream occurrence is just something that happens to unlucky people sometimes. He doesn’t know, and he doesn't think that he’ll ever know.

But one thing is certain – despite all the monsters and horrors he faced, he had a friend.

One friend. Whose name and face he couldn’t quite remember, but a friend regardless. Someone to sit beside him to watch the stars. Someone who chose him above anyone else. Someone to talk about the future and life after death. Someone he fought with, he fought for.

He might not have a friend in his current waking life, but somewhere in a space lost in time, he had someone. A soul he was lucky enough to hold. Of all the breaches between worlds stacked on millions of others that might exist in the vast infinity, among myriads of stars and galaxies, one universe has them right. One universe was kind enough to let them find each other. 

But it’s not this one.

It might not be this one.

… Killua can live with that.

There’s a theory that’s often hotly debated in his astronomy class that says that the stars are so far away, it takes years for its light to reach our eyes. Killua always liked that theory, as it means that every star that he sees belongs to the past, a time he couldn’t touch or reach, something he could never destroy. It’s nice to know that he’s able to see something that doesn’t belong to this world – not really.

And Killua was never one for fairytales. He didn’t even know if he believed in the concept of _soulmate_. He understands that wishes won’t come true just by saying it out loud to a big exploding ball of gas thousands of miles away from him.

But the stars that night reminds him too much of the ones he saw in his dream, one where Altair and Vega were present – too vivid to be true. Stars like these aren’t meant to be seen alone, he thinks, and as another shooting star falls, Killua finds himself whispering a silent wish, to whoever’s listening –

_Maybe I’ve forgotten the world that I once knew. Maybe there once was something more than this. I don’t know what it is, exactly, but if my voice could reach back through the past…_

_… One instant of light, please convey these feelings._

As the tail of the glimmering star fades from view, Killua wishes he has a name he can call out to.

**Author's Note:**

> ok so there are two cool facts i used for this fic and i wanna let u know about it so here goes: 
> 
> 1\. yall know killua’s birthday fell on the 7th of july, which was the day of tanabata holiday. this holiday is based on a legend about a weaver and a cowherd who are separated by fate and can only see each other once a year on this night. their names are Orihime and Hikoboshi, and they are represented by the stars…. u guessed it…. Altair and Vega :) the summer triangle featuring altair, deneb, and vega is also a real thing :D 
> 
> 2\. apricus means “full of light” in latin. idk i think its cute
> 
> also u can see some dates inaccuracy if u squint so pls dont and if u do pls know that: 1) im sorry and 2) reality can be whatever i want :p
> 
> i really enjoyed writing this so thank you for reading!!! comments kudos and bookmarks are much appreciated + i’d love to hear some constructive criticism if there’s any :D also hmu on twt or tumblr if u wanna talk idk (@komacinne on both)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Stars Aren't Scattered Randomly](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28873227) by [pomelo_froot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pomelo_froot/pseuds/pomelo_froot)




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